Northampton calls for reunification with Southampton

The Midlands town of Northampton has issued an ultimatum to the port city of Southampton, on England’s Southern coastline, demanding that the regions move back closer together.

Northampton MPs and local neighbourhood alliance volunteers have joined forces to make public their sentiments regarding the continued separation of the two locations.

Nigella Brocklebank, a full-time knitter from Northampton, was chosen as a spokesperson for the official reunification committee.

“We used to be in the Northern part of Hampshire, while you were – and remain – in the South. We had strong trade links and fantastic community relations through many generations. Our grandfathers’ grandfathers were pretty good neighbours.

“But now we barely see each other, and I’ve got to be honest here, we all feel like it’s kind of your fault.”

Many Northampton residents hold a strong grievance at being banished from Hampshire for threatening Southampton with nuclear destruction and low-level vandalism if they didn’t pay a severe ‘protection tax’, but also feel now is the time to forgive and to forget.

In addition, an awful lot of Northampton residents begrudgingly admitted that they really miss being so close to the sea.

The geopolitical tension between the two locations has been unwavering since the 1950s, and today residents of the two pleasant English municipalities barely interact, unless passing through each other’s towns on their way to an away football match.

From time to time a Northampton retiree might also hear a citizen of Southampton call into a BBC Radio 4 show about religion, but beyond that, they retain a frosty and distant relationship.

Perhaps it is about to change.

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