What sort of a chap doesn’t help a chap get a top job when that chap has helped a chap get a big loan? by Boris Johnson

From a very young age, we are told to use our manners, be grateful for help when it’s offered, and reciprocate where we can; but in today’s political landscape you can’t even help someone get a top job at the BBC for helping you borrow the best part of a million pounds – and society is all the worse for it.

I am being persecuted by the woke mob for what amounts to an act of selfless generosity, and it’s all so terribly ridiculous. Richard Sharp helped me get a loan, he didn’t lend me the money himself, he just, you know, greased the wheels a bit. And in return, I helped him get a lovely swanky job at the BBC.

People do people favours all the time, but apparently, because I was the prime minister I have to shun my friends and not only not ask for help, but also I have to refuse to offer it. This is how the woke mob have ruined this country.

There was a time when helping a friend was celebrated as a generous and noble thing to do, but now it is widely derided. Is this what we have become? A society of selfish and vengeful narcissists? I will not stand for it. I will fight for our right to do favours for friends until my dying day.

If the powers that be wish to sanction me for helping my friend get a really good job at the BBC, coincidentally after he helped me get a big loan, then so be it. I shall take it squarely on the chin, but I will not apologise for doing a chap a favour when that chap has done a chap a solid.

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