The Matrix has sent its agents, explains 9-year-old grounded by his parents

9-year-old Jake Williams has told his friends how The Matrix has sent its agents to get him after he was grounded by his parents for repeated bad behaviour.

Williams told his friends, “I said last week that the authorities would come for me, and use some bullshit excuse like me using a catapult in the garden and calling my sister a bitch – and my prophesy has come true.

“How could I possibly have known this would happen if it were not for the Matrix? My prediction that I would be taken down for doing all the naughty things I have repeatedly told everyone I AM doing is all the evidence you will ever need that the elites are out to get me. It’s all a stitch-up designed to prevent me from being a man.”

“Sigh,” said Jake’s Dad, Simon.

“He’s been like this ever since he stumbled on a few YouTube clips of whichever grifter is popular this week. Bad parenting on my part, I know.

“Suddenly he thinks he’s a guru and believes that his mother and I depriving him of permission to exercise his worst instincts is a sign of ‘oppression’ and ‘destructive feminism’.

“The week or so after Christmas and New Year is always hard, the kids had the presents and the time off school, and now it’s back to normality, but it’s even harder this year now we’ve learned we’re raising a twat.”