Government removes ‘govern’ from list of its New Year Resolutions

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The government is understood to have reconsidered its list of New Year Resolutions and has deleted its resolution that simply read ‘govern.’

“I don’t know what we were thinking there. I mean, ‘govern?’ That’s ambitious. Far too ambitious,” said a government representative.

“In our defence, we hadn’t really thought much about our New Year Resolutions, but then we were at this massive party round at Boris’s and someone asked and so we just quickly wrote down a bunch of things.

“Looked at it this morning and saw ‘govern’ though and, sod that. I mean, I know that New Year is a time for reinvention and all that, but there’s a limit. Governing a country is really hard work, and it takes ages, and you have to come up with policies and then enact those policies and, come on, we’re Tories, we can’t be bothered with all that. No, heat of the moment, a bit too much Moet, so we’ve scrubbed that one.”

The representative confirmed that the government New Year resolutions will remain similar to last years.

“Yes, lose a bit of weight, eat healthier, be really mean to desperate refugees, that sort of thing. Same as most people really.”