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In an exclusive interview with NewsThump, Darth Vader has today criticised the woke leftist Alliance for their continued attempts to cancel him simply for his honestly held conservative beliefs.
Speaking at a secret location to spare him reprisals from the so-called tolerant left, Lord Vader spoke to us at length about his difficulties as a believer in conservative ideology.
NewsThump: Thank you for agreeing to sit with us Lord Vader, please, tell our readers a bit about yourself.
Darth Vader: Thank you, my name is Darth Vader, and I’m a conservative. I’m a conservative who has been subject to a years-long attempt to cancel me by people on the left who simply don’t like my conservative beliefs.
NewsThump: When you say ‘conservative’, we assume you mean things like being a supporter of low-tax economic policies?
Darth Vader: Well, err, I guess so, but that’s not really something I’m all that interested in if I’m honest. When people think of Darth Vader, they don’t immediately think of laissez-faire economic policies, or someone desperate to take a couple of pennies off income tax.
NewsThump: So you are more a conservative in that you have a desire for smaller government, and less interference from legislators?
Darth Vader: Again, I suppose you could say that, but really, the nature of government isn’t something that concerns me too much. I’m certainly not averse to a bit of governmental oversight where it’s needed.
NewsThump: Family values then? That’s the sort of conservative value that got you cancelled?
Darth Vader: I believe in the family unit, yes, but I also think it’s perfectly okay for an unmarried man of my age to enjoy a nice cape and dressing up in a bit of black leather.
NewsThump: Okay, so you’re more of a ‘law and order’ conservative?
Darth Vader: Oh definitely. I believe we must do everything to protect the rule of law, especially if that is a law that I have made and that I agree with.
NewsThump: That’s really interesting. We can certainly see why you are so annoyed at being cancelled, given that you are CLEARLY just a conservative man with normal conservative beliefs like lower taxes, smaller government and a desire for law and order.
Darth Vader: Exactly. I’m just a normal conservative, who believes in normal conservative things, who has been cancelled by the woke leftists for publicly expressing perfectly normal conservative beliefs.
NewsThump: [opening notepad] We do have a source here who tells us some of the criticism you’re facing might be due to you torturing prisoners of war and undertaking a planet-wide genocide of Alderaan.
Darth Vader: That is fake news spread by the liberal media as a smokescreen for cancelling me. Sure, they’ll happily tell you ‘Darth Vader was complicit in the murder literally millions of people’, but the reality is they’re just uncomfortable with my conservative beliefs, and so they need to make stuff up like that to make me look bad.
NewsThump: So it’s not true that you.. [cough]… that you [cough].. tortured a prisoner in your [cough] care?
Darth Vader: I find your line of questioning disturbing.
NewsThump: Hrrk..Ckk…urKK
Darth Vader: What? No more questions? Good. Gooood
