Thanksgiving turkey pardoned by Joe Biden should face death penalty, insist Republicans

author avatar by 2 days ago

The Thanksgiving turkeys pardoned by President Biden this afternoon should face death by lethal injection after disrespecting the White House with its screeching and defecating, Republican hard-liners are insisting.

Despite the tradition which dates back to 1989, Republicans say the decision to pardon the suspected-communist Turkey is further evidence that the Biden administration has gone soft on America-hating oven-ready poultry.

However, while the beleaguered President joked that the pardon was something he could do without the approval of a newly obstructive House of Representatives, unhinged Republican die-hards insisted, “Oh no you f**king can’t!”

Meanwhile, Fox New’s right-wing fruitcake Tucker Carlson claimed the turkey’s feathers represented moral weakness and that it would encourage citizens to pursue a masturbatory agenda even after its neck had been wrung.

Republicans are as divided as ever over the preferred method of execution.

Republican Senate nominee Hershel Walker wants to promote death by shoving his hand up inside the turkey and having a good feel around, whereas Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell favours basting and a slow roast at Gas Mark 8 ( 230 degrees centigrade ) to keep the bird moist.

Biden himself added,  “The turkey’s name is Liberty, and along with his understudy named Awesome Destruction he has the distinction of being the luckiest bird on the face of the Earth, if you don’t include that Paris Hilton.”

This morning a bullish Biden announced he would press congress to include turkeys and other game such as chickens, grouse, woodcock and ptarmigan in the electoral register, admitting that he could really use the votes ahead of 2024.

Biden added, “They say turkeys don’t vote for Christmas, but I’m gonna make sure as hell these two suckers vote for me.”