Following Gavin Williamson’s resignation, the former minister has confirmed that he will be spending more time enjoying his favourite hobbies, all of which involve him being a bellend.
Williamson said, “Now I have all this free time I can now spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures in life.
“Like driving into an almost full car park and ensuring that I park in a predictably dickish manner, so I’m just encroaching over the line of adjacent space, to prevent someone else using it. If there is any way I can also get part of my car on the pavement to block access for pushchairs and wheelchairs, then even better. Mmmm, it’s so rewarding. It is these little things that make life worth living.
“That might be my favourite, but it’s closely followed by driving defiantly in the middle lane of the motorway at 57 miles per hour, occasionally moving into the fast lane without indicating or increasing my speed. Ahh… that gives me such a warm feeling in my tum-tum.
“Gathering up kittens, placing them in a bag before dangling them over a bridge.
“Alright, alright. I don’t drop them.
“I allow them to slowly suffocate. The sound of muffled meows gradually ebbing away into a lifeless silence brings an almost zen-like calm over my entire spiteful body.
“Oh, and with Christmas around the corner it’s almost time for me to do my bit for the community by dressing up as Santa so I can whisper into the ears of small children that – because of the legacy I have left as Education Secretary – they are likely to grow up with debilitating anxiety and limited life choices that will inevitably reduce their life expectancy.
“Wait, is that huge puddle next to a bus stop shelter full of people?
“That sounds like a job for Sir Gav in his Bentley.
“Time for a soaking motherf**kers!”