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Following increasing criticism over the practice of discharging sewage into rivers and oceans, water companies have announced new plans to spray excess sewage into the air.
“There is far too much sewage for us to handle,” explained Simon Williams, CEO of Bastard Water.
“We could build enough facilities to successfully process all that sewage, but why bother? The government give us loads of money whether we build them or not, and we’d rather spend all that money on Lamborghinis and new TVs.
“We do, however, recognise that some people are unhappy with us pumping shit and piss into whatever stream or river is nearby, so we’re going to spray it up into the air instead.”
Some scientists were critical of the plans.
“I’ve looked into this and found that there is a force known as gravity which states that if there is something up in the air, in almost all instances, it will fall down to earth,” explained Eleanor Gay, Professor of the Bleeding Obvious at Oxford University.
“My concern is that if these water companies spray sewage into the air, then it may alleviate the problem for several seconds, but we would then see sewage raining down from the skies and getting in everyone’s hair.”
Mr Williams dismissed the concerns.
He went on, “Ignore these doomsayers. No one has ever sprayed sewage into the air before so who knows what will happen? I’m sure it will be fine. I would imagine that once the sewage is in the air, it will evaporate, or simply be carried away on the wind and become someone else’s problem.”
Water companies will begin spraying sewage into the air from next week, and if that fails to solve the problems, then they have fallback plans to just build a big tower of sewage just off the A12 near Chelmsford.
