Thursday 22 September 2022

Can you all please keep focussing on Holly and Phil, asks government working quietly to hand billions to energy executives and bankers


Holly and Phil and the government

The government has asked if you could possibly drag this whole Phil and Holly thing for a few more days while they tie up any loose ends in their plans to lift the cap on bankers’ bonuses and to guarantee windfalls earnings for energy companies.

As the nation continues to focus on the behaviour of two television presenters during the Queen’s period of lying in state, a grateful government couldn’t be happier that people’s attention remains elsewhere.

A Downing Street spokesperson told us, “We recognise that the whole Phil and Holly thing was a few days ago now, but we would really appreciate it if you could roll out a few more jokes, or memes, or some of those funny comedy takes you all like so much?

“That’s right, you all get heavily invested in a thing that happened last week and affected literally none of you, while we go right ahead and continue to make unpopular plans that will affect literally millions of you.

“What’s that? You want to know what Kwasi Kwarteng is going to do about benefits? Yes, I’m sure you do, but look over there, Holly is wearing a nice dress despite JUMPING THE QUEUE last week. Grrr. You should be angry about that, yes you should. Good voter. Good voter.”

Meanwhile, non-morons have urged simpletons to let the whole Holly and Phil thing go, with one telling us, “Did they take advantage of their position to get into the hall where the Queen was lying in state? Probably, yes. Was it worth joking at their expense in the immediate aftermath? Yes. Was it the worst thing that has happened in the last week? No, not even remotely close.

“If you’re still angry about someone jumping the queue, but not at the government’s plans to hand billions to energy executives and bankers, then you need to give your head a bloody good wobble.”

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