Liz Truss is so confident of becoming PM that she’s already planning what to wear for her weekly audience with the Queen – a Queen costume, naturally.
The odds of Liz Truss being Prime Minister next month are now so low that bookmakers, overcome with the horror of it all, are committing suicide.
Meanwhile, Ms Truss herself has been ploughing ahead with the important task of deciding who she’ll be cosplaying once safely installed in Number 10.
“I’m so excited about meeting the Queen!” she gushed. “By which I mean myself in the mirror!
“Oh yes, every week I shall dress up as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth Truss and go to the palace to have a Queen party with the actual Queen! Just one Liz to another.
“I won’t just be Old Lady Queen though – no, I’ll mix it up.
“Brightly Coloured Ascot Queen, Grumpy Headscarf Queen, Lonely Funeral Queen – I can do the lot!
“I’m particularly looking forward to Big Fuck Off Crown Queen – I assume I’ll be allowed to borrow the Crown Jewels, what with being prime minister and everything.
“And the Queen will see me and be like, ‘Wow, it’s me but prettier and more patriotic!’ And I’ll be like, ‘No, get up, there’s no need to curtsy!’
“And then she’ll be like, ‘So what are you going to do about this terrible cost of living crisis?’ And I’ll be like, ‘Never mind that nonsense, check out my wave!’ And I’ll stand in front of a Union flag waving and looking terribly important.
“She’s gonna think I’m the bestest PM evs!”
Her Majesty said, “If that brainless bitch wears the same dress as me, I’ll glass her.”