Consumers reassured by promise that ‘energy price cap will only rise every other day’

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Britain’s gas and electricity users raised a glass to the energy suppliers today, buoyed by the news that the price cap which limits the cost of bills will only rise every other day moving forward.

“We have a duty of care to our customers”, announced Simon Williams of the energy regulator Ofgem.

“For this reason, we pledge to maintain the current tariffs for at least 48 hours, and we will never raise them during our two-hour lunch breaks.”

“This is terrific news,” said energy consumer Bryan Jones.

“We clearly need some support from the energy market during this cost of living crisis, and there’s nothing more supportive than a continually tightening noose.

“I’m going to celebrate by turning the brightness up on the telly for an evening, I might even ‘fire up the ol’ kettle’.”

Energy bills have soared over 50% in the last 6 months, pushing many Britons into ‘fuel poverty’, but charity Help the Aged is delighted with the bi-daily price promise.

“Seeing a 50% jump in prices can be really upsetting to elderly customers, a series of 5% rises announced every other day is much more soothing.

“It’s important for the old dears to have a bit of routine. A lot of them are confused enough, what with the weekly visits from repo men.”

But a handful of consumers claim the price increases are unjustified.

Simone Matthews chooses to pay a little more to her energy supplier, so she can tell all her colleagues it’s from renewable resources.

“Most of my neighbours have their electricity generated by gas or coal, but I get my electricity supply from windmills.”

“As I’ve told Jane next door on many, many occasions, I don’t mind paying a bit more for the future of her children.

“But now the selfish cow is about to be cut off, her carbon footprint will be even smaller than mine. The situation is completely unsustainable.”