Thursday 7 July 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Satirists can’t f*cking type quickly enough


Satirists can't type quickly enough

Satirists have issued a plea for Tory politicians to stop being such a massive collection of half-headed cock-bongos, as a combination of RSI and worn out keyboards mean that they can’t type quick enough to keep up with the now hourly bouts of catastrophic bellendery from Westminster.

“Seriously, this has got to stop,” said Simon Williams, an over-privileged, smart-arsed purveyor of left-wing bias thinly disguised as satire.

“I bash out one piece of 6th-form snarkiness about Tories, or Boris, or whoever he’s appointed this morning, or him doing something else appalling, and I’ve barely got enough time for a sip of craft ale with my smug, beardy, pseudo-intellectual liberal cronies before they go and do something else appalling, and I’ve got to start all over again.

“And that’s not even including the handful of anti-Labour pieces I’m contractually obliged to write to give the illusion of ‘balance’.”

Mr Williams, who writes for the second most popular Onion knock-off website in Britain claimed to have a plan to draw attention to his plight.

“I’ll do one of those smarmy, self-referential pieces about how difficult it is for satirists to keep up with everything.

“That’ll make me look both ironic and self-deprecating.

“Maybe then I’ll finally get a girlfriend.”

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