By Sir Simon Williams, MP for Kettering East & Bawtry
I first encountered Boris Johnson in the late 1990s in my wife’s bedroom wardrobe with his belt undone. He quoted Aristophanes’ ‘Lysistrata’ to me in the original Greek and I immediately took to his charm, wit and obvious erudition. We became firm friends on the spot.
In all the years since, it never once occurred to me what a ruthless, self-serving rogue he is right up until today, when I find him risking my political career out of sheer personal ambition.
Of course I was aware of some stories, a few rumours, and the occasional peccadillo, but I didn’t take them too seriously.
I knew he’d lied to his wife, his other wife, his other other wife, his mistress, his mistress, his mistress, his mistress and his other mistress – plus his editor, his other editor and his other other editor, but I never once thought that he might do the same to me.
I distinctly remember him draining a glass of my best Montrachet, looking me in the eye, and saying ‘They don’t matter to me like you do, Simon. You’re a true friend. I’d never lie to you’, before asking for my daughter’s phone number as he said he was going to help her with some Greek homework.
You can only imagine my shock to discover this morning that what he told me wasn’t true, and I ask for sympathy at this difficult time.
How could I have known? If only there had been a sign, or if someone – anyone! – had said something to warn me.
As it was, he promised me a leg up in politics and a comfortable job as a PPS all completely selflessly; just in return for a few simple little votes put his way.
How could I have known? How could anyone have known?
Anyway, it is with sincere regret I can no longer serve as Minister for Interpretive Dance and Brexit Bonuses, and I look forward to serving my constituency blah blah blah (Janet – please fill in this bit with the template Michael Gove sent round).