Friday 1 July 2022 by Grant Slessor

Professional groper resigns after drunkenly joining Conservatives


groping man

Professional groper Simon Williams has today tendered his resignation after having drunkenly become a Conservative MP in what he has described as a ‘moment of madness’.

Mr Williams, who works full time at investment bank Golden Sacks has a regular evening job in which he dons a pink gimp suit and for a nominal fee attends stag parties as a whimsical character known as ‘The Groper’.

“It’s good honest work” confirmed Mr Williams “and not at all the kind of activity anyone should be ashamed of.”

“But last weekend”, he continued “I had a few too many flaming sambucas at a low rent strip club and woke up on Monday morning to find that I was Deputy Chief Whip of the Conservative Party. I’ve never felt so grubby.”

Mr Williams confirmed that he had immediately tendered his resignation to his employer – club promoter ‘Shifty Barry Mc Saveloy’. Mr McSaveloy declined to comment but is understood to be horrified and to have accepted the resignation.

Mr Williams other employers at the investment bank have apparently been more tolerant of his new political role.

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