A celebrity who recently opened their hearts about how they have found themselves ‘cancelled’ has been revealed to be a boring, talentless hack.
“I mean, I’ve gone back through the last ten years of this person’s life and in that time they’ve just done nothing entertaining or interesting,” said investigator Simon Williams.
“So, my conclusion is that they haven’t actually been ‘cancelled’ at all, they’re just so boring and irrelevant that no one is that interested in anything they do anymore.
“I mean, I haven’t had a single played on prime-time Radio 2. That’s not because I’ve been cancelled, it’s because I’m not a singer, I’m a fictional ‘investigator’ in a mildly satirical humour piece poking fun at the tedious non-entities who insist they were cancelled.”
The celebrity is understood to be dissatisfied with the results of Mr Williams’ investigation and is understood to be planning to go on a right-wing radio ‘news’ station to bore on about how the ‘wokes’ ruined his career and to insist that it’s all Gary Lineker’s fault.
They had been advised that doing something of worth, or of interest to other people, may be a better way of gaining some public affection.
Their response was reportedly “No, balls to that. Far too much like hard work. I’ll just go and have a moan-up to Mike Graham instead.”