The Met Police have released the Tory MP accused of rape and sexual assault on bail after establishing beyond doubt that he is not black.
“We arrested the gentleman in question and then immediately set to work ascertaining whether or not the said gentleman was of the black persuasion,” explained Chief Superintendent Simon Williams, who has a number of black friends, actually.
“We did extensive tests to get to the bottom of his ethnicity. These included looking at him, asking him if he liked Lilt and making him do a rap.”
The tests proved that the MP was not, in fact, black.
“We are satisfied that the gentleman is white, and is therefore probably a decent sort of bloke who just got himself into a bit of a tricky situation. I’m sure it’ll all come out in the wash with an honest apology.
“As a result of the tests, we have released the gentleman on bail under his own recognisance.”
The Chief Superintendent made it clear that the MP could be taken back into custody in the future.
“If we receive any further evidence that the gentleman is, in fact, black after all then we will bring him back into custody immediately.
“After all, the safety of the public is our primary concern.”