Boris Johnson has finally admitted that his oven-ready Brexit deal was riddled with the sort of awful parasitic bugs that will keep most people glued to a toilet for the best part of a year.
As the Northern Ireland protocol issues that were easily predicted as far back as 2015 come to a head, Boris has finally admitted that the oven-ready deal might not have been fit for human consumption.
“We made it look nice, like those photos of burgers you see in the window – but the reality is those photos are of cold food, sometimes inedible pieces of wax, and likely riddled with bugs that would turn every single human digestive system into nothing more than a rusty tap.
“And as it happens, that’s what has come to pass. There was no way to predict this, if you chose to ignore all the experts that predicted precisely this.
“We had no idea that the Unionists who staunchly opposed a trade barrier in the Irish sea would be so unhappy when we installed a trade barrier in the Irish sea. How could we have known? All they did was repeatedly tell us how unhappy they were with the idea.
“So yes, two years of swallowing my oven-ready deal has left my arse looking like a blood orange, and I am paying the price.
“On the plus side, there are still some staunch Brexiters who are willing to deny-reality long enough to see me as a success, so that’s something I suppose. Thankfully they don’t mind that they too are spending most of their time on the toilet.
“But the problems are such that I can’t even hide from them in the fridge any more, mainly because it’s full of toilet roll to wipe my poor ravaged arse.”
Brexit has failed – get your anti-brexit gear here!