Priti Patel vows to help Ukrainian refugees by not firing at them with navy gunboats

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The Home Secretary has promised to do everything possible to help Ukrainian refugees, such as not drowning them in the Channel.

Priti Patel recently visited Poland where she saw first-hand the harrowing scale of the Ukrainian refugee crisis. After growing stronger by feasting on the sorrow of the displaced, she decided to show a degree of mercy.

“These are exceptional circumstances and it’s only right that we relax our rules on refugees for those fleeing Ukraine,” she said. “I’m therefore urgently escalating our response to the growing humanitarian crisis.

“I will not be asking the Royal Navy to shoot at families as they travel to the UK. Not even the children.

“I know many of you will consider this to be a sign of weakness.

“’Will they steal our jobs?’ ask retired racists.

“’Will they speak with foreign accents while on public transport thereby making me feel extremely uncomfortable?’ ask twats with German ex-wives.

“Rest assured, our visa application process will be so complicated and the requirements so stringent, that hardly any Ukrainians will be coming over here, taking our aid.

“You may have read in the press that we have already granted fifty Ukrainian refugee visas. This dangerously high number was entirely due to human error and I promise this won’t happen again.

“I took it upon myself to personally bully the responsible individual so viciously that they immediately resigned, leaving a trail of delicious tears as they fled the Home Office building.

“Slurp, slurp, slurp.

“And don’t worry about Britain being full – we drowned fifty Syrian refugees to make room.”