Boris Johnson unveils bold 6-point plan to milk the Ukraine crisis while doing sweet bugger all

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NewsThump has obtained confidential documents outlining the Prime Minister’s detailed plan to do nothing tangible about the invasion of Ukraine but somehow give Daily Mail readers the impression he’s personally shooting down Russian attack helicopters over Kharkiv.

It reads:

1. All European leaders must immediately forget the PM is a lazy inept pantomime figure whose forays into international affairs have undermined the very unity he claims to bring about. This amnesia should also apply to the Tory party’s complete enmeshment with Russian money and the way it’s been merrily delivering a key Russian policy objective since 2016.

2. A tenfold increase in completely unsubstantiated claims that the UK is taking the lead in providing assistance. Priti Patel to draft a law criminalising any attempt to reveal that the UK has sent less military hardware into Ukraine than neutrality-loving Sweden.

3. All senior cabinet ministers to submit a detailed plan of action detailing how they intend to shoehorn their job into a photo-op of them in or around military vehicles. Preferably tanks.

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4. All social media output by conservative pundits to include Ukrainian flags, Slava Ukraini and Churchill quotes until the techies have managed to purge Wikipedia of Tory ministers’ ‘consultancy work’ for shady think tanks funded by chaps who own $4,000 special-edition Adidas tracksuits.

5. An aggressive sanctions and asset confiscations program aimed at Londongrad oligarchs which will take effect in eight months, or whenever Roman confirms he’s finally transferred everything to BVI shell companies. Whichever comes first.

6. The refugee question. Look, it’s just not a good time for us. We’d love to take more in but what if Russia uses them to send in agents like those poisoners in Salisbury we did sod all about? No, it’s clear the Ukrainians are much better off in Poland or Germany. But, you know, thoughts and prayers.