Monday 7 March 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Priti Patel to fast-track visas for any Ukrainian who is on fire


PRiti Patel visas

The Home Office has agreed to fast-track the visa process for any Ukrainian refugee who can prove that they are currently on fire.

“We recognise that this is a desperate situation for many Ukrainians,” said Priti Patel, Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard.

“Naturally, we can’t help all of them because we’re a really horrible, unpleasant and cruel country.”

She briefly paused at this point, as if expecting applause. When none came, she pressed on.

“However, we will be doing our best to fast-track the asylum application process for those who can prove that they are, at the time of application, on actual fire.  And I don’t mean a bit charred, or sooty, I mean literal flames engulfing their person.

“Whilst it is important that we maintain the integrity of our borders, we also understand that there will be a degree of urgency if someone is on fire and so we will do our best to process their application within 48 hours so that they are able to take advantage of our world-class fire-fighting facilities and be extinguished.”

Despite the changes for Ukrainian asylum-seekers who are on fire, the majority of Ukrainians will still be subject to the standard British refugee processing system of being poked with sharp sticks for several hours before being dumped in the North Sea and told to fuck off to another country.

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