Monday 28 February 2022 by Chris Ballard

Don’t panic but don’t start any new box sets, advises government


Boris says don't start new box sets

The UK government has said that the threat of nuclear war is still remote but that people might want to take a day off work to go swimming with dolphins.

Vladimir Putin is what trained diplomats would call a ‘Mad Bastard’. However, the British government insists that even he’s not crazy enough to destroy the world. Probably.

“It’s vital that people don’t worry and just go about their normal business,” said government official Simon Williams.

“For example, I’m just here at work as usual, taking part in a routine training exercise in this nuclear bunker.

“One thing I would say is that if you haven’t yet started Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad, I wouldn’t bother doing so right now.

“Not that we’ll all be dead before you reach the end, obviously! It’s just that there are probably better ways to spend the next few days.

“Like the stuff at the top of your bucket list. Best to focus on the top five, I reckon.

“Look, nothing’s going to happen. I’m just saying that if you get the opportunity to swim with dolphins this afternoon then for God’s sake, take it.

“Also, a quick word of advice to any married couples out there – if Thursday is the night you usually have sex, then consider bringing that forward to Monday. Just, you know, why not?

“That all said, if you’ve always wanted to see the Northern Lights, don’t bother – you could all get a chance to see something equally spectacular very soon.”

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