By using the time-honoured journalistic method of giving £500 to a serving police officer, NewsThump has obtained an exclusive copy of the questions sent by the Met Police to Boris Johnson.
Below are the questions to be asked of the prime minister, the answers to which, for some reason, the police expect him to provide honestly.
- What is the best cheese to pair with a dry white wine on a warm spring afternoon?
- Would you qualify the events you attended in 2020 and 2021 during lockdowns as parties, or well-lubricated work meetings where essential conga lines were held?
- Since we were actually there and hold the CCTV footage of the parties in question, any chance we can get together so you don’t deny something we know full well is going to come out?
- Do you have the number of the burlesque dancer you brought in for that piss-up around Prince Philip’s death, as DCI Sergeant Williams really got a thing for her and the police databases have provided no joy?
- How many children do you have, and by how many women? Come on, it’s just between us.
- Have you deleted all those images from that Benny Hill night, because it was a right laugh, but technically a lot of what went on is considered sexual assault.
- Were these events attended by non-members of staff such as your spouse, your family or a somewhat skanky pole-dancing American grifter that makes all of us squirm when we imagine your flabby bodies rutting on government property?
- Who cuts your hair? And would you be offended if we checked their qualifications?
- Do you understand the need for a Met commissioner who can take a joke and doesn’t feel the need to ask why 35-year-old Vice Squad officers own dozens of buy-to-let properties and a £1,000,000 catamaran moored in Tortuga?
- Should we beat up women protesting the rape and murder of someone by one of our own, and would you be really annoying about it, or do we agree that things get out of control and good chaps don’t make things difficult for each other?
- Have you ever got it on with Priti? Was it scary?