Embarrassed Vladimir Putin admits he finds it difficult to invade while everyone is watching him

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As the Ukraine crisis continues and the eyes of the world are on Vladimir Putin, the self-conscious Russian President has asked the world to point its eyes somewhere else for a few days so that he can invade without feeling so much performance anxiety.

“Seriously guys,” pleaded the red-faced Russian President, “this constant attention is really off-putting. I invaded Crimea no problem when no-one was looking, but now everyone’s expecting an invasion it just feels really awkward, y’know?

“I’ve tried just closing my eyes and imagining it’s Georgia, but it’s just not working.

“If all these world leaders and journalists would look at Covid or the Winter Olympics for just a while instead, then I wouldn’t feel so much pressure.

“I’m sure a lot of the news media can’t wait for a war in Ukraine so they can get more clicks and sell more papers, so I’d appreciate some cooperation.”

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Psychiatrist Simone Williams explained, “Invasion anxiety is perfectly normal, and a lot of men suffer from it. Mr Putin could try techniques like imagining the Ukrainian defenders naked, or imagining that the NATO response will be nothing more than half-hearted economic sanctions and politicians making speeches about how miffed they are. That last one shouldn’t be hard to imagine.

“Studies show that wars can sometimes be quite stressful. It could really help everyone relax if the Russian helicopters lead the attack with speakers playing soothing whale-song.”

“On behalf of my nation,” said Ukrainian President Zelensky, “please stop helping Putin to overcome his invasion anxiety.”