Friday 11 February 2022 by Chris Ballard

Universal purchase entire back catalogue of The Police, including Misogyny and Racism


police

The Universal Music Group has bought the rights to all of The Police’s greatest hits, such as Homophobia and Unjustified Violence.

One of the world’s largest media conglomerates, Universal, now owns everything The Police have ever produced.

“This is certainly a surprising purchase and in no way a mixup caused by a terrible pun on the phrase ‘The Police’,” said Market Analyst Simon Williams.

“Executives were originally considering a more traditional transaction that would have involved acquiring Sting’s entire back catalogue.

“However, after listening to the ‘Synchronicity’ album all the way through, they decided they’d be better off investing in toxic and unlawful institutionalised behaviours.

“As luck would have it, the UK police force had a surplus of appalling cultural practices coming up for sale.

“Most industry insiders expected the British government to swoop in and buy up all the available assets, but apparently they were ‘sorted’ for everything on offer.

“The purchase includes the following Police classics:

Misogyny
Racism
Homophobia
Unjustified Violence
Bribery and Corruption
Incompetence

“Not included in the purchase was evidence that Boris Johnson broke the law by holding Downing Street parties during lockdown – The Police simply insisted that they didn’t have any to sell.

“It’s unclear just what Universal now plans to do with these heinous assets – some experts are speculating that they could be sold on to football clubs.

“But for now, it’s probably not a great time to be a woman working in the Universal A&R department.”

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