The biggest donor to the Tory party over the past two years has been the coronavirus, according to documents revealed in a new leak.
There has been increasing bafflement in Westminster and the wider country as to why so many Tory policies seem to be implemented to give direct advantage to the coronavirus, this new revelation would appear to provide a reason for that.
The Tories have, as ever, denied any impropriety.
“I’m not going to comment on any of our supporters,” said Boris Johnson, the actual Prime Minister of the UK.
“But, of course, we would never bring in laws solely to benefit a particulae donor. Lifting working-from-home advice, mask mandates, and isolation, is good for all the country, bolstering productivity and well-being. If that’s good for coronavirus as well, then where’s the harm? Everyone wins.
“After all, we’ve got to learn to live together.”
The coronavirus similarly denied that, apart from infecting and killing millions, it had done anything wrong.
“I strongly support the actions of the Tory party,” said the virus.
“My donations, which are my own private affair by the way, simply reflect how much I support them. To suggest that I have any undue influence over policy is absurd and, frankly, more than a little insulting.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go somewhere and mutate.”
The denials of impropriety may well stand up now, but if the rumoured new policy of mandating those who test positive for coronavirus to snog as many people as possible is implemented, then further questions about the virus’s influence on this government will certainly be asked.