Jacob Rees-Mogg has spent his first afternoon as the Minister for Brexit Opportunities by searching under cushions and sofas to see if he can find any.
The Cabinet’s newest full member is desperate to make a solid first impression in his new job, and as such feels a high profile Brexit opportunity is just what he needs to get voters on his side.
Civil servant Simon Williams told us, “Jacob gathered those of us who will be working in his new department and asked if anyone had any Brexit opportunities they would like to share, but no one put their hands up.
“Then he said there were ‘no stupid ideas’, and someone put their hand up to suggest Brexit offered the opportunity to start referring to Starburst as Opal Fruits again. Then he rephrased to say that maybe there are some stupid ideas, and someone at the back shouted ‘bendy bananas’.
“Jacob said that was interesting, but no one could remember if bendy bananas are considered a good thing or a bad thing, and we wouldn’t want to get it wrong because it risks making the entire department look silly if we insist a Brexit opportunity is one of the very things Brexiters used as an argument for Brexit.
“After that, frustration took over and he sent everyone back to their offices to look around for a Brexit opportunity he can give to the press.
“Honestly, we’re all a bit lost. He’s been banging on about the benefits of Brexit for the last six years, so surely he wouldn’t come into a job like this one without a whole host of ideas we can implement?
“Oh, right. He would.”