Daily Downing Street press briefings to return specifically for party updates

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The nation is to be kept abreast of parties at Number 10 via the reintroduction of daily press conferences.

Amidst confusion and speculation as to what parties may or may not have happened at Downing Street, daily televised press briefings are set to return so the public has a clearer picture of what’s going on.

“Communication and transparency are extremely important aspects of government,” said No 10 Press Secretary Simon Williams.

“The Prime Minister has always believed that to be the case but perhaps hasn’t made these feelings crystal clear.

“That’s why Boris and his cabinet will be holding daily ‘party briefings’ from now on.

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“They will be chaired on a rotating basis, largely depending on which minister is the soberest on any particular day.

“Chris Whitty will return – not because he’s a party expert but because he’s popular with the ladies and good for ratings.

“He’s also a dab hand with slides – each day he’ll be presenting graphs showing the number of parties held at Downing Street over time so people can clearly see the upward trends.

“There’ll also be pie charts – well, cake charts – highlighting how different variants of sweet baking take hold of Whitehall over the different seasons; summer sponges, winter fruitcake and so forth.

“These conferences will also be useful because the new Downing Street press briefing room is currently being used at a rate of approximately £500k per briefing.

“I’m sure the public will be keen for us to improve that value for money picture.”

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