UK ‘Cake Ambush’ threat level raised to ‘severe’

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The Government has this morning raised the Cake Ambush threat level to ‘severe’, meaning the chances of being ambushed by a Birthday cake or other seasonally baked goods is highly likely.

With news this week that our own Prime Minister was himself a victim of a ‘lone sponge’ style attack, people have been asking themselves whether or not any of us are safe from marauding delicacies.

Police have advised concerned members of the public to avoid having Birthdays where possible, as this significantly increases the incident risk, according to research.

Maureen Williams, 75, from Kent became a victim while she was hoovering the roof of her rural cottage, telling us, “It came out of nowhere, a Battenberg right in the face, I nearly fell off the roof.

“You just don’t think it will happen to you, until it does.”

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Experts are unsure exactly how many baked confections have indeed been radicalized, but they have been quick to blame the increase in Birthday cake ambushes on the success of shows like ‘Great British bake off’.

Bake Off presenter Paul Hollywood’s whereabouts are currently unknown, however it is thought he has moved into a complex network of caves somewhere in Cheshire. He was unavailable for comment and has yet to claim responsibility.

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