“We doing a van’s worth this year?” demands Westminster wine, cheese and cocaine dealer

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Westminster’s local wine, cheese and cocaine dealer is getting a bit antsy.

The local merchant, dealing in goods of varying levels of legality, did a sterling trade at Downing Street last year for various Christmas parties that didn’t happen.

However, this year’s plans remain unclear after some nosy journalists may have put the brakes on this year’s party plans.

“Your problems are your problems, don’t make them my problem, yeah?” demanded Simon Williams, head of Wine ‘n’ Cheese ‘n’ Blow.

“If it’s off, then it’s off. It’s no drama; there’s other people who would love a big van full of coke, wine and cheese, but you need to let me know one way or the other.”

Downing Street spokesperson, Hayley Rice, who will be tearfully fired next year, said, “Obviously we want the wine, cheese and cocaine. It’ Christmas, and we’re Conservatives.

“Things are just a little hot right now, just give us another week, we’re hoping that Boris can have another child, or get married again, or maybe one of the Royals can get their cock out or something.

“When that happens, we’ll send you a purchase order for ‘stationery supplies’ and then you can bring the van around.”