Tory MPs have offered to cut down on the amount of corruption they engage in, in return for £5000 cash every week.
The cash is to be provided in untraceable banknotes stuffed into a brown envelope and paid to the Tory MPs in an underground car park, or a remote part of one of London’s parks.
“Alright, you want me to be less corrupt? Fine. Fair enough. But what’s in it for me, eh?” said Tory MP Simon Williams, who runs an illegal gambling and prostitution ring out of the Pugin Room bar in the House of Commons.
“I’m a Tory MP, mate. You don’t get something for nothing. You want me to stop being so corrupt, you got to make it worth my while. Five grand a week is fair. But it’s got to be cash in hand. Untraceable. Don’t want to get tucked up for corruption now, do I?”
Eleanor Gay is another Tory MP who is prepared to cut back on her corruption for £5000 a week.
“Bribe is such an ugly word, isn’t it?” said the MP, who maintains a connection to the Gambino family in New York.
“I prefer ‘gift.’ Because, surely, that’s what it is. A gift in gratitude for me behaving impeccably, and avoiding all this unpleasantness with corruption.
“My butler will collect the money on my behalf.”
There are also plans to offer the general public a one-off payment of £50 cash each if they’ll forget about all this Tory corruption business and go make fun of Labour instead.
The Cabinet of Arseholes – get yours HERE!