Furious Brexiter Simon Williams, 45, has announced that he is available for call-up by the military should the fishing rights dispute with France escalate to full-blown war.
“I am outraged!” shouted Mr Williams.
“But then, I’ve been perpetually outraged since 2006, what with snowflakes and the BBC, and homosexual cakes. In this case, though, I am particularly outraged at the French’s profoundly illegal detaining of a British fishing vessel.”
Mr Williams called for Britain to immediately move to a war footing.
“The only thing the French understand is a bloody good kicking in a war, so I call on Mr Johnson to issue an ultimatum to the French to return our vessel within 24 hours or face the full might of the British military machine.
“Re-introduce conscription, immediately. The snowflakes won’t like it, but a few years in the army will put a stop to all their nonsense about safe spaces, being offended, and calling me racist just because I’m boycotting the Paki shop.
“I, myself, Prime Minister, stand ready to fight in any and all wars with the French. I have had no combat experience, but I have seen The Wild Geese 14 times.
“If nothing else, this has been a difficult and divisive few years, and I think the majestic sight of Chieftain Tanks rolling majestically across the fields of Normandy would be a sight that would bring our whole country together. Except for the snowflakes who would probably take to their beds with their joss-sticks crying about how the war has affected their mental health.”
At this point, a visibly tumescent Mr Williams excused himself.
“Sorry, all this talk of war with the French has got me a bit worked up and I’d better have a quick hand shandy. Third one today. All this talk of Chieftain Tanks, I think.”