Tuesday 28 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Chris Grayling to return as Transport Secretary to sort this shit out


Chris Grayling is back!

With the haulage and fuel industries in crisis, Boris Johnson is rolling out the big guns to sort everything out – Chris Grayling is back.

When Chris Grayling left the role of Transport Secretary in 2019, many people were worried about the future. Would Britain grind to a halt without his expertise?

Well, it seems the answer was yes, it absolutely would. But don’t worry – Transport Supremo Grayling is returning to get everything back on track.

“Let’s break things down into bite-size chunks,” said Grayling, desperately trying to sound intelligent but actually just quoting something he recently read on the front of a bag of dog food.

“We have no lorry drivers but what we do have are lots of lorries. And if that ferry debacle taught me anything, it’s that actually having the vehicles is half the battle.

“What we should do is link all the lorries together – a bit like those other things, you know, the choo-choo ones.

“Then we’d only need one driver to pull all the lorries – road choo-choos, if you will.

“So that’s that one sorted.

“As for fuel, something needs to be done quickly to prevent all these queues – I waited for six hours yesterday and when I finally got to the forecourt the car wash was out of order!

“The solution is obviously to limit the amount of fuel people can purchase in one go.

“I suggest each household be allowed to fill a single receptacle full of petrol each time they go to the station. A colander is probably about the right size.

“If everyone takes home one colander of fuel a week, we’ll soon get the country moving again!

“Stand down the army – Grayling is back!”

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