With the supply of Christmas presents under threat due to a chronic shortage of reindeer, the government has reviewed the criteria for issuing sleigh-pulling licences.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. Unfortunately, he also had his right to work in the UK removed after Brexit.
With EU-based reindeer now unable to deliver in the UK, the British government has relaxed the rules concerning who is allowed to pull a sleigh.
“There used to be three main tests an animal needed to pass before being issued with a sleigh-pulling licence,” explained Simon Williams, Minister for Christmas.
“The first was the ability to fly.
“The second was the possession of a luminous nose.
“The third was a preternatural level of stamina allowing them to work for a whole night without stopping.
“Well fuck all that because Brexit has royally screwed things up and we need to save Christmas.
“Any four-legged mammal will now be allowed to pull a sleigh – cats, dogs, llamas, whatever – let’s hook them up and work them to death for the greater good.
“Like we do with nurses.
“That’s right – not being magical entities, these new recruits will inevitably die off during the night and need to be replaced, so the more the merrier! Well not merry for them, but certainly for all the boys and girls waiting to see what Santa has brought them this year.
“Look, if you’re that bothered then we can clap for the Christmas animal dead on Boxing Day or something.
“As for a shiny nose to light the way, Michael Gove has agreed to do it as long as he’s given a large supply of ‘nose fuel’.
“I’m not sure what that is, but he seems confident it’ll keep him going until dawn…”