Monday 27 September 2021 by Neil Tollfree

‘Maybe, I DO really want to know how your garden grows,’ says hypocrite horticulturalist Noel


Noel Gallagher garden grows

Noel Gallagher has shocked fans by confessing that he actually DOES really want to know how your garden grows despite nearly thirty years of claiming the opposite.

“Look, gardens, right? Sound. I’m into them,” said the Britpop legend.

“I’m a horticulturalist. I love it. Soil, plants, fertilizer. Sorted. So, I’d love to know how my garden grows, how your garden grows, how everyone’s garden grows.”

However, Noel has been accused of hypocrisy after claiming in his 1994 Oasis hit Live Forever that he DOESN’T want to know how your garden grows, with the very first line of the song being – ‘Maybe, I don’t really want to know, how your garden grows.’

“I’m gutted. I feel so let down,” said lifelong Oasis fan Rebecca Coleman.

“He couldn’t have been clearer – ‘I DON’T really want to know…’ – ‘Don’t’ – he’s not interested in your garden or how it grows. That’s what he’s always led us to believe, and now he turns around and suddenly he’s all about plants and flowers and wanting to know how my garden grows? Well, he can stick it.

“Frankly, I always preferred Ocean Colour Scene anyway.”

Noel has tried to calm down the anger caused by his statements.

“I don’t know man, I guess I thought that pretending I didn’t want to know how your garden grows made me cool. I regret it, I really do. I guess we all say stupid things when we’re young.

“But I’m past that now, gardens are bangin’ and I’m hoping to do a horticulturalism course at the Met, so then I’ll end up knowing how loads of people’s gardens grow.

“Sorted!”

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