The government has ditched plans to introduce vaccine passports for nightclubs, coming up with a much simpler way to prevent overcrowding.
Nightclub owners all across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief when the Health Secretary announced that vaccine passports would not be required for entry.
However, they’re not out of the woods yet.
“Crowded nightclubs don’t stop being a concern simply because we’ve decided not to use vaccine passports,” said Sajid Javid.
“An alternative method of crowd-control needed to be found. Something that would make potential clubbers think twice before attending a venue. Something that would make people fear large crowds where any old sweaty weirdo could suddenly rub up against them.
“Therefore, every Friday and Saturday night we’ll be sending Michael Gove to attend a random selection of the nation’s nightclubs to throw his shapes and terrify the other dancers.
“Obviously Michael can’t be everywhere at once, so clubs will be sent mandatory life-size cutouts to be displayed on their dance floors and outside the ladies toilets – just to make it as realistic as possible.
“The really brilliant thing about this idea is that because of poor club lighting people will never be totally sure whether or not Michael Gove is actually in the vicinity!”
Owner of Swindon’s Exodus Lounge, Simon Williams is not impressed with the plan.
“I thought vaccine passports would absolutely cripple the industry, but this is even worse,” he said.
“I’m used to punters puking at the end of the night but not as soon as they come through the door. Imagine being greeted by the sight of that rubber-faced twat thrusting his pelvis at you.
“You’d want to spend every future Saturday night playing Scrabble at home with the doors locked.”
“See?” said the Health Secretary. “It’s perfect.”