18-year-old tennis prodigy, Emma Raducanu, the first qualifier to ever win a Grand Slam and the most successful female British player in almost fifty years, has taken the time after her historic win to give thanks to all the slimey former GMB presenters who feel the need to comment on her every move.
She went on, “It’s said that the tennis court is a lonely place, but the truth is that I am never alone when I play.
“Behind every swing of my racket there is a small army without whom I could not function. My family, my friends, my coaches and my practice partners, yes – but above all, there is the lustful gaze of decrepit professional shit-stirrers whose life is empty without some young woman to obsess about.
“My victory in this grand slam has been in no small part due to the welcome comments about my will to keep going from someone who can’t listen to the mildest of criticism from a colleague without storming off in a massive huff. It’s like I could feel them trying to sniff my hair as I played.”
In Oxfordshire, PM, an entitled posho who wishes to remain anonymous, confirmed that he was glad his kind finally got acknowledged.
He told us, “It’s hard to spend hour after hour cyber-stalking famous young women and trying to insert myself into their lives, if only by calling them names in tabloid columns. So it’s nice to get a shout out when they win a big one.
“Now if you excuse me, I can see some teenage girls in the park having a nice picnic. I’m going to give them an unsolicited lecture on how I can see their bras through their tops.”