Monday 6 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Deliveroo driver definitely thinks you’re a lazy, greedy bastard


deliveroo driver

Your constant, obscenely large takeaway orders mean that your Deliveroo driver has you pegged as an overindulgent loser.

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Thank you for ordering via the Deliveroo app. Again. Rough week? You know the drill by now – we’ll let you know when your food is on its way.

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Would you like to add a large tub of Ben and Jerry’s… oh, never mind, I see you already have. My bad.

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Your driver this evening will be Simon. Quick question – Simon wants to know if you’re going to start charging him rent? Haha, just kidding.

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Query on your order – you’ve ordered the set meal for two but Simon’s pretty sure that you live alone. Is that a mistake? It’s just that you’ve also asked for an extra portion of chips…

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You’ll be pleased to hear that Simon’s on his way. You must be starving – it’s been a good four hours since we brought you that McDonald’s. Guess that was just to fill a little corner?

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Simon won’t be long. In the meantime, here’s the number for a very reliable oven repair service. Thought it might come in handy.

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Oh and this is for a gym.

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Your ridiculously massive meal has now been delivered. Enjoy! By which I mean chew slowly and give your body plenty of time to realise that you’re full.

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Would you like to leave Simon a tip? I say tip but actually… cough up or he’ll tell the world what a greedy fuck you are. Fucking binge-eating loser.

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See you tomorrow!

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