Saturday 4 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Queen’s Star Wars themed funeral plans leaked


Queen funeral plans

Royal sources are said to be deeply disturbed that the Queen’s plans for a Star Wars-themed funeral have been leaked to the press.

The British public has been left in shock after Her Majesty’s plans for a Star Wars-themed funeral hit the papers.

“People would naturally have assumed that Her Majesty would be laid to rest in the traditional manner for a monarch – her corpse would be beheaded, a stake driven through her lifeless heart and her body subsequently immolated in a wicker man,” said Royal Commentator Simon Williams.

“So the revelation that she’s a massive Star Wars fan who wants to be interred to the sound of the Imperial March is incredibly shocking.

“The leak includes plans for the royal hearse to be made up to look like the Millennium Falcon, pallbearers to be dressed up as Stormtroopers and flower arrangements to be fashioned in the shape of Darth Vader’s helmet.

“A section of Buckingham Palace’s basement is to be turned into a replica of the Mos Eisley cantina for the wake.

“Perhaps most controversially, Prince Andrew is to have his hands cut off in a reenactment of the end of The Empire Strikes Back – apparently to satisfy the Queen’s wish that he ‘doesn’t touch anything he shouldn’t after I’m gone’.

“Personally, I always suspected she’d go for a Star Trek theme as she’s always muttering ‘beam me up’ whenever one of her family members does something embarrassing.”

Commenting on the leak, Prince Andrew said, “This Star Wars thing is definitely real and not in any way a distraction from the real funeral plans which definitely don’t involve me snorting mum’s ashes off the body of a fifteen-year-old girl.”

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