Saturday 3 July 2021 by Arabin Patson

Michael Gove and Sarah Vine to divorce citing irreconcilable malevolences


Michael Gove and Sarah Vine to split

The staid world of loathsome arseholes was shaken today as their emblematic power couple announced they would go their separate ways but reassured their fans they both remain fully committed to being utter shits who debase everything they touch.

Simon Williams, a nasty prick and estate agent from Crawley, admitted that seeing his idols split up would leave an aspirational gap for a lot of his fellow twats.

“They were our very own Sonny and Cher, our Barack and Michelle and our Joseph and Magda. They represented all we aspired to. A dream team that perverted not only the body politic but also public discourse. We all hoped we would one day meet that special someone and together work towards killing the very notion of objective truth.

“I’m sure they will both keep being objectionable turds in their own way. He will keep making policies that punish the kind of behaviour he regularly indulges in while looking like a cursed ventriloquist’s dummy. She will keep writing tedious attacks on Meghan Markle and……. Well, any other black woman who thinks she is entitled to have an opinion.

“But it won’t be the same. Michael and Sarah were always more despicable than the sum of their parts.”

Mr Williams also said he could not see any other political couple who could replace the former dynamic duo of dickishness.

“I guess there’s Carrie and Boris, but that’s more of a sugar daddy situation that went wrong because he wouldn’t wear a condom.

“I heard Jacob Rees Mogg’s wife is locked up in the attic of their castle unless he wants to breed and I’m pretty sure Priti Patel ate her husband after they mated.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes!

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