Friday 25 June 2021 by Lucas Wilde

“It gets easier”, Johnson assures Hancock


Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has lent a supportive ear to Matt Hancock following news of the Health Secretary’s first extra-marital affair (that we know of).

Hancock was caught snogging an aide in what looks like a coatroom.

“Ah the coatroom, those were the days,” said a wistful Boris Johnson, throwing an arm around a subdued Matt Hancock as the two shared a cigarette behind the Westminster bike sheds.

“I’ve had more pork in the coatroom than I’ve had at the butchers, young Matthew.

“I know you’ll be feeling something like guilt right now, old bean, but trust me, that goes away after the second or third bit of strange.”

Hancock sighed, “Do you promise, Boris? I don’t want to stop doing the bad thing, I just want to do the bad thing guilt-free, like a true Conservative.”

Johnson chuckled, “Oh yes, good chap. I promise. Give it another year, and you won’t even feel the need to slide your wedding ring into your pocket before getting your fingers damp.”

Hancock beamed, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” as the two men shared a platonic embrace.

“No homo,” confirmed Johnson.

“No homo,” agreed Hancock.

The cabinet of Arseholes – see the full range HERE!

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