Friday 25 June 2021 by Chris Ballard

“I was just trying to flatten her curves” insists Matt Hancock

Matt Hancock was flattening her curves

The Health Secretary claims that he was squeezing his aide’s buttocks only in order to flatten her curves.

Photos of Matt Hancock in a passionate embrace with aide Gina Coladangelo have ruined everyone’s breakfast this morning. However, Mr Hancock has now come up with a perfectly reasonable explanation.

“You’ll notice that I’m clenching her buttocks tightly,” he said. “That’s so her curves can be made as flat as possible – after all, my primary objective as Health Secretary was to flatten any curves I happen to come across.

“If that doesn’t mean I should grope any shapely aides then frankly I’m at a loss as to what I’m supposed to be doing.

“There were a couple of other work objectives that this so-called ‘affair’ helped me to deliver – adultery and cronyism.

“Both of these things are a fundamental part of a Tory Minister’s job description and if I wasn’t indulging in either then I’m not sure I’d be able to show my face in public – it is the Great British taxpayer who funds and expects this behaviour.

“If they didn’t want it, they would never have voted in Boris as prime minister.”

The Prime Minister himself has now completely changed his opinion on the previously ‘Fucking Hopeless’ Hancock.

“He’s really turned his year around,” said Boris. “His half-yearly appraisal was pretty bad – if I gave a shit about the British public dying in horrifying numbers I’d have probably sacked him there and then.

“I now feel completely vindicated in letting someone apparently incompetent remain in charge of our response to the largest health crisis the country has seen for a century.

“Now then, let’s hope Gavin Williamson gets himself a nice bit of totty soon – he’s on thin ice!”

The cabinet of Arseholes – see the full range HERE!

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