Friday 25 June 2021 by Pete Redfern

Matt Hancock tipped for Tory leadership after photos emerge of him having an affair


Matt Hancock had an affair

Bookies have today shortened the odds of Matt Hancock stepping us as Conservative Party leader after photos were published of him wearing someone who isn’t his wife as a facemask.

The Health Secretary, who over the last year presided over the handing of lucrative PPE contracts to his mates and paid marginally less regard to the wellbeing of the elderly than Harold Shipman by discharging Covid-positive patients back to nursing homes, was photographed kissing and groping an aide.

Conservative Party spokesperson Sir Simon Williamsby-Toffer told reporters, “The qualities Matt has exhibited over the last year and a half have put him in prime position to replace Boris Johnson when the number of Covid deaths reaches a million and he steps down.

“Infidelity is one of the core, longstanding Conservative values and a key trait we look for in potential leaders. Which I suppose is why Theresa May wasn’t a very good PM – she had too many morals in that regard.”

He continued, “A lot of us are actually secretly impressed with Matt for this – we had thought he was pretty useless with women, so this was refreshing to see. I mean, yes, he appears to snog like a 13-year-old at their first school disco, but it’s a start.

“He’s not up there popping out illegitimate sprogs left and right like Boris, but he’s well on the way to that high standard.”

Political commentator Christopher James wiped a bit of sick out of his mouth before telling us, “It’ll be interesting to see what happens next – Boris Johnson can hardly fire Hancock for having an affair when he has had so many himself.

“But then I suppose hypocrisy is a key Tory trait too, so you never know.”

The cabinet of Arseholes – see the full range HERE!

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