Andrew Neil explains that the word ‘news’ in GB News is not to be taken literally

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The latest channel to be launched in the UK has made a staunch promise to move away from the media elites’ outdated insistence that news should contain actual new information.

GB News’ Content Director Simon Williams explained that the public was sick and tired of being told boring facts that would enable informed decisions as citizens.

“Who cares about policies or current events? What people really want to know is how a Scottish archaeologist feels about his national identity. Or how angry a Daily Mail columnist is about not being allowed to go to Spain next week. No more blah blah about treaties and parliament. Just the edifying sight of two people you dimly remember from ITV telling you how much they love the Union Jack.

“Ever heard a former Apprentice candidate say she doesn’t like being called racist? Well if you haven’t, then you’re in luck because we’ll have that every single day!

“This is a victory for the silent majority crying out for fresh content not controlled by the powerful. Which is why Andrew has secured millions in funds from offshore investors linked to the Tory party and staffed the channel with career pundits who have been on the telly in some form or other for decades.”

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Mr Williams explained that ordinary Britons had finally been given an outlet for their patriotism from a man who is not afraid to say he loves his country, albeit from the comfort of a lovely villa in the South of France.

“It’s one thing to give the great British public the news they deserve. It’s quite another having to live among them.”