The Prime Minister has been married to Carrie for a whole week and his eye is starting to wander.
It’s a common male trait to get excited about the latest shiny gadget, only to become bored with it soon afterwards. But while a lot of men have this experience with televisions or cars, with Boris Johnson it seems to be wives.
“The seven-year itch is a psychological concept which actually has a basis in real-world statistics,” explained Professor Simon Williams. “The average length of marriages at the point of divorce is around seven years.
“However, Boris seems to experience an accelerated version of this phenomenon – the seven-day itch.
“Like a small child whose cerebral cortex has not yet fully developed, he seems to be totally incapable of conceptualising anything long-term – I’m sure we all remember ‘things will be back to normal by Christmas’.
“Perhaps it would be useful to go through the four main stages of marriage as they apply to the PM.”
1. Romance (Wedding Day until approx 22:30)
“This is when Boris can’t get enough of Carrie. All he can think about is what a smashing young piece of totty he’s bagged and wouldn’t the Bullingdon boys just love to get their hands on a piece of ass like this, phwoar, phwoar.”
2. Disillusionment (Wedding Day 22:30 until approx. Tuesday lunchtime)
“This is when Boris realises that Carrie isn’t perfect after all. He’d have been thinking things like, ‘Hang on, that bridesmaid has bigger tits than my wife’.”
3. Misery (Tuesday lunchtime until Saturday morning)
“Most of Boris’ first week married to Carrie would have been spent in abject misery.
“Why has she thrown away the cherished collection of buses he painstakingly made out of wooden crates? Who’s this noisy baby thing she keeps in their flat? And what the fuck is this wallpaper?
“By Thursday, next-door neighbour Rishi Sunak has had to invest in new earplugs to drown out the all-night slanging matches.”
4. Awakening (One week after wedding)
“The fourth stage is when couples begin to understand why they’re so unhappy and seek solutions to their problems. Will Boris learn to compromise? Or will his exit strategy be an even younger piece of totty?
“Yeah, not exactly edge of your seat stuff, is it?”