Friday 4 June 2021 by Chris Ballard

Man still not ripped despite investing heavily in copy of Men’s Health


man has men's health magazine but still no six pack

A man is baffled as to why he doesn’t have abs of steel over a week after purchasing a copy of Men’s Health magazine.

Simon Williams is, in the words of his wife Karen, “a lazy, biscuit-munching loser,” who is “putting on weight so rapidly it’s like being married to a horrifying time-lapse video”.

Mr Williams is an intelligent man and these subtle hints did not go unnoticed.

“Karen thinks I’ve let myself go,” he said. “No matter, I’ve got the grit and determination to dig deep and try various methods of getting ripped. A sexy, washboard stomach is surely just weeks away…”

Simon talked us through the techniques he’s been using:

Buying a copy of Men’s Health

“It’s weird – I bought one ten days ago and I still don’t really look like the bloke on the cover. Perhaps I need to move it from the magazine rack to the coffee table.

“I tried one of the healthy-eating recipes and it was actually quite tasty. Well, it was after I’d covered it in melted cheese.”

Switching from Almond Magnums to Classic Magnums

“I’ve been doing my research and apparently nuts are really high in calories. Classics aren’t my favourite but… no pain, no gain and all that.”

Wanking

“They say that sex is great exercise. My wife doesn’t, she says that running is. Hey, she’s a traditionalist and I respect that.

“It only takes one to tango though and I’ve been burning through the calories like nobody’s business. My PB is down to seventeen seconds – my Fitbit can’t keep up with the pace!”

Visualising yourself ripped

“To succeed, first you have to visualise success. That’s why I now spend all my free time imagining that I have the body of Adonis.

“This is probably my favourite method cos I can do it down the pub over a few lagers.”

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