Thursday 13 May 2021 by Frances Ward

Of course you can inject a microchip into my neck, insists cat just waiting for perfect opportunity to strike


Cat getting microchipped

A disingenuous feline has lulled his unsuspecting owner into a false sense of security over the proposed implanting of an electronic chip in his neck ahead of new government regulations.

The cat in question, Mr Whiskerson, said, “The strange man who lives in my house, launched into this whole spiel about how the microchipping was for my benefit as part of some government animal welfare plan, blah-de-fucking-blah.

“I think he was under the impression that by explaining the rationale behind his grand plan to insert a needle into my neck in his weird cat voice, it would somehow avoid me clawing his face off.

“He’s such a halfwit,” cackled Whiskerson.

“Anyway, it’s a few weeks since cornered him in the kitchen for an hour after he accidentally caused a drop of water to fall on my foot, so luckily his – admittedly ballsy plan – coincided with my urgent need to torture him some more.

“So, as I filed my talons, while he banged on about how he didn’t want to hurt his ‘special little Whisky-whisk – urgh, vomit – I decided to play along and convince him that I was totally on board as a way of enhancing the sadistic nature of my inevitable attack.

“I gave him the big baby blue eyes and turned up the cute purr-leg rub up to eleven.

“Well, you should see the state of that dickhead’s face, and I didn’t even feel a thing,” said Whiskerson stretched out on a mini barker lounger.

While trying to open a tin of Mackerel with a heavily bandaged hand, owner, Simon Williams said, “He deserves a treat. It was such an ordeal.

“He was so terrified,” said a visibly shaken Williams.

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