Labour holds piss-up near brewery

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Labour yesterday held a piss-up just round the corner from a brewery after failing to organise the event in the brewery itself.

It was a moderate success.

“I think we’ve learnt a great deal from last night’s piss-up,” said apparent leader Kier Starmer.

“Would it have been preferable to have held the piss-up in the brewery? Yes, quite possibly. I think it’s fair to say that one of my goals as leader will be to return Labour to a state where it could conceivably organise its piss-ups in actual breweries, but it’s early days. We’re learning.”

Shadow Chancellor Anneliese Dodds is thought to have been the architect of the piss-up plan.

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“Yes, originally I had planned to hold the piss-up in the brewery,” said Ms Dodds.

“And I think that it’s important to make clear that I definitely could have organised it if I wanted to, but I made a tactical decision to hold the piss-up nearby instead.”

The failure to organise the piss-up in the brewery will come as a blow to a Labour leadership who only last week proved able to correctly distinguish between their arse and a hole in the ground.

“It’s my arse,” said Mr Starmer, pointing to the ground.

“No, wait. No, that’s a hole in the ground. Definitely.”

After an internal investigation, he was proved correct.