In a bid to counter the growing trend on social media of highlighting the long list of horrific shit that would see you do less chokey than spray-painting a statue, the government has declared it would give armchair lawyers 10 years inside as proposed in their new Free Speech bill.
Simon Williams, a columnist who routinely deletes his entire Twitter feed and newly appointed head of the governments “Debate me!” Unit, explained that a modern democracy requires people to freely discuss ideas without mocking the naked hypocrisy of those in power.
“If you look at the people explaining how gouging out the eye of a Japanese tourist while screaming racist insults would be punished less harshly than scratching ACAB on Robert Peel’s statue, you can see the facts have been hijacked by the hard left.
“There is a clear political agenda in these so-called responses to our patently political crime bill.
“One ultra-woke feminist has spent 24 hours highlighting the horrible things a man can do to a woman and still not do as much bird as someone who glued a mohawk on a statue of Churchill.
“Stalking, groping, spycams in toilets, flashing, breaking into their home to steal underwear, threatening their kids, blackmailing them for sex and even rape. She just keeps on listing them.
“And it’s all based on nothing more than a casual Google followed by six hours of reading the CPS’ website pages on sentencing guidelines. So obviously we need harsh prison sentences for people like her to make sure free speech is preserved.
“We’re also thinking of bringing back the death penalty for anyone who calls us fascists.”