We’ll ensure no child is left behind unless they need food, says government

author avatar by 3 years ago

Boris Johnson has assured the public that no child will be left behind due to Covid, unless of course their parents don’t have decent jobs.

The government has announced funding for summer schools to ensure children aren’t abandoned by the education system.

“I can’t abide the idea that even a single child will be left behind,” said Boris, a man who wouldn’t look out of place in a medical waste bin round the back of a liposuction clinic.

“Single mums, yes – they can obviously fend for themselves. And any children I may or may not have will be very capably looked after by the mother in question, I’m sure. Not really my business.

“But a single child? Never!

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“Unless of course, that child needs us to pay for their food. That’s completely out of the question.

“The £420m funding for summer schools is for essentials like pencil cases that look like scientific calculators and those big fat biros that can write in four different colours.

“But whoever heard of ‘feeding time at the school?’ It’s zoos you’re thinking of!

“We simply cannot afford to feed other people’s children – they must be left behind at once before they bankrupt the country. Err, even more.

“Parents must take the blame for giving their children the taste of food in the first place – the stuff is dangerously moreish! And we are now faced with an entire generation of kids who are hooked on food but without the means to fund their habit.

“You wouldn’t catch me feeding one of my children – I’m not that selfish!”

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