Hancock: Covid strategy based on ‘Carry On Again Nurse’

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Health Secretary Matt Hancock has admitted that Government strategy for dealing with Covid was largely based on the comedy classic Carry On Again Nurse.

Initially, he said, the Government was determined to base their strategy on the most up-to-date scientific advice, but then he changed his mind after landing on Carry On Again Nurse whilst flicking through Freeview channels looking for boobs after his mum had gone to bed.

“I was immediately struck by the saucy nature of the nursing staff,” he said.

“They looked tremendous in their little uniforms and when they bent over, I felt funny in my tummy.

“It seemed clear, we needed to ignore the advice from the scientific community to isolate and track and trace, and instead, we should focus on making our nursing staff much, much saucier. After all, if you’re on the critical ward after having been intubated, then what could be cheerier than a pretty young girl with large bosoms bending over you and doing things with her thermometer.”

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However, Mr Hancock was forced to admit that things hadn’t gone quite as well as he’d hoped.

“Well, in fairness, Carry On Again Nurse doesn’t explicitly say what Kenneth Williams and Hattie Jacques would do when 100,000 people die of a global pandemic. So, it’s not entirely my fault.”

Happily, though, things should now improve as Mr Hancock has found a new film to base his strategy on going forward.

“Yes, I saw it the other night and you’d be amazed at what Die Hard with a Vengeance can teach us about managing a global health crisis.”